Hello beautiful human,
Something happens each time I get a new subscriber. First, I feel a rush of elation, excitement. Then, immediately, I freeze and grow self-conscious. Will they like me? Will they reject me? What should I write here to convince this new person to stick around? I doubt my abilities to connect with them. I worry I’ll look or sound foolish. After all, what a pretender I am. What a pitiful little try-er. I’m a clumsy writer. Why would my sentences be compelling or entertaining? Who do I think I am? Play it safe, some part of me says. Keep it bland and acceptable and generically pleasing. Or better yet, maybe just take the day off.
Every time.
This is the creative’s dance of self-sabotage and doubt. It’s how and why so many of us stay small and safe, an adaptive quality that allowed us to survive the velociraptors back in the days when we had tails, but oftten gets in the way now of doing meaningful work or creating beautiful things.
And while I’m using a specific example of writing for an online audience in a subscriber-based modality, it’s my belief (as you know) that we are all creative and that our days consist of creative acts and choices big and small. This is after all An Inviting Space to explore what microshifts are possible within those acts and choices, to move us in the directions we want to go. Because I believe shift is possible at any time.
So is self-sabotage.
It’s completely understandable why shift is so difficult. Familiarity is comfortable. Change is by definition unfamiliar. Even changes that are healthy and desired and sensible will move us into new and maybe unknown places. How to get past our own self-imposed limiting fears and beliefs, which we may not even be fully aware of?
I don’t pretend to have any final answers. I experience this too, and I don’t know if there’s a way to completely overcome what feel like deeply hard-wired self-protective responses. We’re biologically programmed, maybe, to stay safe in our little nests.
If we do that, though, the beautiful things never get made and the healthy changes never happen. “Possible” stays a dream rather than a realized reality. And we can’t have that now can we.
What’s working for me today is tenderness with myself. To notice the discomfort. To feel the fear. To listen, for a minute, to those mean little voices that try to convince me it’s hopeless, ridiculous, silly to put myself out there over and over again. And then to give all those hurty, scared parts of myself a hug and say, Okay, I hear you. You have a point. Staying in bed for the rest of my life is very tempting and much safer. But there’s a whole world out here and I’m curious about it and I think it’s even possible there might be some work I can do to make a difference to somebody today. So, we’re going to try, all right? All together now.
PS—this one’s about to go into the archives and behind the paywall. One last chance to read it for free today.
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Your time and attention are the true gifts. Thank you. xoS
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